UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
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The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe