Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
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My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.