me: the apple never falls far from the tree
friend: is that why its floating
me: yeah gravity is hella weird here
My son interrupted my phone call to tell me that he was going to die of boredom. I informed him that was impossible since I’m still alive after listening to him talk about Minecraft for the last 5 years.
You Might Also Like
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
My views are my own, although they’re heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it