This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
This was the best day of my life
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.