When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
You Might Also Like
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.