My son is 2,000 years old and still lives with His parents. #loser

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Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.


Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.


me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper


Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps.


MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster


If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.


I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.


I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.