@TheTweetOfGod

My son is 2,000 years old and still lives with His parents. #loser

You Might Also Like

@xLiserx

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

@KentWGraham

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

@Philosopherbing

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

@JohnBirmingham

Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

@ExcuseMyTweets

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

@briangaar

Hi I’m Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can’t kick a football. I’d like to talk to you for a second about insurance

@WheelTod

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

@parkersJoking

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad