@TheTweetOfGod

My son is 2,000 years old and still lives with His parents. #loser

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@DarthPutinKGB

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

@Dr_powpow

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.

@gf3

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

@byrdie_num_num

Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps.

@QwertyJones3

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

@icyizzi

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

@UncleDuke1969

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

@hyperblastchic

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.