Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My son is 2,000 years old and still lives with His parents. #loser
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Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Wife and I made a deal. She gets to keep hair on her legs, and I get to keep my opinions to myself. Baby steps.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.