@WheelTod

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

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@jimmy_sharpe

I’m not lazy. I’m just stopping the sofa from floating away.

@mdob11

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

@ilovepie84

My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.

@Book_Krazy

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

@DrakeGatsby

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

@literally_is_me

All I’m saying is Sesame Street would be a lot more entertaining if Big Bird were a velociraptor.

@JessObsess

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

@aveuaskew

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

@One_FineMess

Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.

And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.