I’m not lazy. I’m just stopping the sofa from floating away.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
You Might Also Like
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Me: He seems nice…
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Me: random axe of kindness
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
All I’m saying is Sesame Street would be a lot more entertaining if Big Bird were a velociraptor.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder
*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard.
And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.