My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
lmao
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos