@TheCiscoKidder

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

You Might Also Like

@mela_shea

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

@famouscrab

some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what

@jlock17

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

@BeeeejEsq

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

@DaddyJew

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

@CheryeDavis

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

@Addawanna

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

@Zombie_Kit

Isn’t Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?

@GNCordova

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.