I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
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Life is basically avoiding people who have seen you naked while trying to find new people to see you naked.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
But I would walk 500 miles
and I would walk 500 more
to be the man who walked 1000 miles
to get away from you.
I want a divorce.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.