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@Goldishocks

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

@DannyZuker

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

@ybbaaabby

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

@BoomBoomBetty

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

@SirEviscerate

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

@ChaseMit

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked