[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
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I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Ah yes. The three genders
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”