WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
[CON WALKS FREE]
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
“The past tense of LOL is not LOL’d, it’s L’dOL.” – How I like to end a date with 18-25 year old girls.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.