My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
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a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
there’s probably a fee though
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Seems a bit forward
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*