My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
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Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
And bowling should be called pinball
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.