My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

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My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone’s facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.


Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.


“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother


Wanna burn fat quickly and without dieting?

Here, take this gasoline and matches.


I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.


Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.


“DADDY!?!” (toddler calling out)

Me: “Daddy’s upstairs but can I help you with something?”

“Yes. You can go get Daddy.”


The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.


Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.


In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.