My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
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Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Children of the corn 🌽
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”