@sofarrsogud

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

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@missmayn

My therapist asked me to list my good qualities:nnNice to everyone’s facenUsually wear deodorantnThin cheese slicernnThat took four hours.

@UnFitz

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

@JElvisWeinstein

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

@salamingia

Wanna burn fat quickly and without dieting?

Here, take this gasoline and matches.

@realHamOnWry

I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.

@etherealraccoon

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

@MumsieEsq

“DADDY!?!” (toddler calling out)

Me: “Daddy’s upstairs but can I help you with something?”

“Yes. You can go get Daddy.”

@Swishergirl24

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

@adriennekhals

Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.

@BackrowSeats

In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.