[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
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“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.