me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
My son is having a difficult time understanding the book he is reading because it uses antiquated terms like Walkman and cassette tape.
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*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: “Who was that, your girlfriend?” *Everyone laughs* NERD: “Nope. It was yours.” *Dead silence*
Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.
I just found my old Nokia phone from 2003. It still has 87% battery life left.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth