On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
*Robot watches me vape*
Robot: mm yeah but swallow it
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses INSIDE of the cars, at least?
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]