My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days