@Cheeseboy22

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

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@GrantTanaka

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

@callapilla

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

@jonnysun

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

@pseudo_fred

This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses INSIDE of the cars, at least?

@lmwortho

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

@SteveSuckington

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

@JerseyRambo

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

@CantWaitToNap

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

@pleatedjeans

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]