My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
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I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes