My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
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I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”