@HenpeckedHal

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

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@AbleLikes

Meanwhile, be happy for the company that makes the poorly constructed, scientifically inaccurate virus animations that every news station uses. This is their moment!

@_Shizzle

They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says “Eating Doritos”.

@joeljeffrey

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

@WheelTod

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

@ShtFatGirlsSay

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

@AnniemuMary

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

@chuuew

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

@Authoralexp

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

@lecalabara

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

@Cpin42

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.