My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
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I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Catering service