My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
You Might Also Like
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
my mom making me talk to relatives
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
i did the math
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.