My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
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*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?