*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
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First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
real
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*