My son just asked me how long he’s had a birthmark for and now I’m afraid to send him out into the world

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How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?


DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right


In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.


Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar


My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.


I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it


me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what


A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.


man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired

woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?

man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh