How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My son just asked me how long he’s had a birthmark for and now I’m afraid to send him out into the world
You Might Also Like
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired
woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?
man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*