@DaddyJew

My son just asked me how long he’s had a birthmark for and now I’m afraid to send him out into the world

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@WookieOnUnicorn

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

@panmidwest

DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?

ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right

@KentWGraham

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

@ArfMeasures

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

@TheBeerGuy73

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

@Monicann86

I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it

@IndecisiveJones

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

@sixthformpoet

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

@cromp_daddy

man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired

woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?

man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh