My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
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It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
plant them where lol
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I saw nothing
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.