@SardonicTart
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
@OctopusCaveman
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
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@SardonicTart
@chimneyspotter
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
@DadandBuried
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
@RamblingMachine
You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
@mydmac
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
@maddie11_Anders
Me: Do you want dinner? BF:sure, what are my choices? Me:yes or no.
@ItsAndyRyan
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
@JohnLyonTweets
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
@Henry_3000
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
@SMVidaurri
Just so everyone knows: The bank shut down my debit card because it suspected fraudulent activity and the purchase I had to review was two tickets to see CATS