My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
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NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Does this dress make me look cat?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.