My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

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if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.


30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.


So the Macarena turns out to be about a girl double-teaming her boyfriend’s friends. Now we know the lyrics were crowd-sourced from Twitter.


[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me


If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside


I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.


[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*


VALENTINE’S DAY PLAN: Go to the homes of all couples who Instagram pictures of fancy restaurants and rob them while they’re eating dinner.


My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.