@OMGSoOverIt

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

You Might Also Like

@AnniemuMary

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

@clindsaysway

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

@Marlebean

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

@ComedicBust

I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don’t need to know I’m here to buy waterfall scented candles.

@EJGomez

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

@Thynebear

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

@ingmarbirdman

space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in ur face,u must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time

@RealLucasNeff

[The Bachelor]
Some of you will be getting roses tonight…
[bee in the back]
AW HELL YEAH