my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
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People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM