My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
How animals would run if they were human
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.