My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
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[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
saw this in a dream
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
SCARY COSTUME
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”