My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
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big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
When I receive an invoice that says ‘early settlement would be appreciated’ I build them a Neolithic village.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.