My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
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Me: I don鈥檛 want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they鈥檒l die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It鈥檚 kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It鈥檚 like that, but you can鈥檛 call the cops.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Are we there yet?…
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
worst鈥ale鈥ver
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
me linking you to my twitter
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 馃檪
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.