My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
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uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
#JohnTravolta
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not