JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
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“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
incredible
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?