@ValeeGrrl

My son just explained how he wants to make a necklace out of my hair which is totally normal & doesn’t at all concern & terrify me.

You Might Also Like

@ManvAlcohol

I’m just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.

@NicestHippo

“Bro she’s a cold digger”
[later with gf]
Do you only want me for my germs?
[she stops licking my face]
Why would you ask that?

@ilovepie84

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

@TheAlexNevil

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

@Poutymcgee

<– Spends a good 10 minutes removing the stuffed animals from my bed before we get down to business. But Rupert stays, he likes to watch.

@geowizzacist

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

@julcasagrande

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

@drinksmcgee

Knuckle Tats

(I) (H)(A)(V)(E) (W)(A)(Y) (T)(O)(O)
(M)(A)(N)(Y) (F)(I)(N)(G)(E)(R)(S)

@juicymorsel

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?