My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
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I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
This is I, Robot all over again
Sticker placement is key.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho