My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
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Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm