Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
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I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.