@DaddyJew

My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said “hey you” because he temporarily forgot his name and I’ve never felt closer to him.

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@XplodingUnicorn

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

@tastefactory

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

@Smooheed

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

@Carbosly

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

@DrakeGatsby

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

@JohnHilsen

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

@AndRyanTF

GF – What’s that beeping?
Me – Fasten Seatbelt Alarm.
GF – How can you ignore something so annoying?

Me – Huh?