@DaddyJew

My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said “hey you” because he temporarily forgot his name and I’ve never felt closer to him.

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@LnL245

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

@shutupmikeginn

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

@ArfMeasures

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

@rad_milk

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

@LeonHWolf

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

@iamburtjarvis

911: whats the emergency?

?: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

@Sophie2078

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

@juliareinstein

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

@Xalqee

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

@envydatropic

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?