I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said “hey you” because he temporarily forgot his name and I’ve never felt closer to him.
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A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
911: whats the emergency?
?: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?