one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
You Might Also Like
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT