My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”