Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
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“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food