Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
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date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now