@KateWouldHaveIt

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

- @KateWouldHaveIt

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@AbbieEvansXO

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

@tchrquotes

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
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Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
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@heyevergreen

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

@Divergentmama

Me: I’m so bored, I’m gonna deep clean the house.

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Me: my phone is in my house, totally counts *wipes screen* opens Twitter.

@rickkondell

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

@einaregilsson

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@NamikTan

Donald Trump’s “perfect” letter to Santa. Via @NewYorker

@TheNardvark

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

@klainey01

My 5th grader is one eye roll away from being listed on eBay this morning.

@pondermymaker

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