My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
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Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
lmaaaaaooooooooo
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