My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
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As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY