@Elizasoul80

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

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@10InchesPlus

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

@astutenewf

Whenever I’m behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte

@rickolantern

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

@GrantTanaka

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

@Tierno158

Doctors in Zurich, Switzerland, in a 14-hour operation, successfully separated the conjoined Facebook account of a husband and wife.

@_coryrichardson

me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-

her: Don’t say it, im leaving

[later]

me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins

@stephenjmolloy

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

@david8hughes

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

@Vodkantots

I never said I hated you.

I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.