My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

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When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”


Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?


You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.


Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.


My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That’s why I take so many naps.


Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?


Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?


Me: Beer.


[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?


“The Great Gatsby” is an awesome book about a rich guy who can’t get laid.