@Elizasoul80

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

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@LuvPug

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

@Flora__Flora

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

@dhumann

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

@SimpsonsQOTD

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

@JohnJSalomone

I love when pets sigh like a human. It’s like. Oh? Are you stressed? Did you work today? Just laid around did nothing and ate food ? That’s what I thought

@murrman5

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

@capnwatsisname

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

@cravin4

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.