When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
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Whenever I’m behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Doctors in Zurich, Switzerland, in a 14-hour operation, successfully separated the conjoined Facebook account of a husband and wife.
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I never said I hated you.
I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.