My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

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People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’


Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta


Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”


“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”


I love when pets sigh like a human. It’s like. Oh? Are you stressed? Did you work today? Just laid around did nothing and ate food ? That’s what I thought


[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”


Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*


If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.