@Elizasoul80

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

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@gobmentcheese

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

@AmishPornStar1

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

@sweetandweak

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

@McCPeggy

My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That’s why I take so many naps.

@AngelaEhh

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

@stacywawa1

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

@juliussharpe

“The Great Gatsby” is an awesome book about a rich guy who can’t get laid.