My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense