My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
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PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I hope they boil the right one.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Saturday
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.