2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
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Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Gonna have my ashes spread over an electricity plant, so I will rest in power.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
this is me