@skittle624

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

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@ArfMeasures

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

@SkippyMcGizzard

Gonna have my ashes spread over an electricity plant, so I will rest in power.

@IchBin_Rob

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

@shariv67

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

@PickleRudd

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

@pieceofchat

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.