My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
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Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen