My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

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I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.


”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”


4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.


Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.


The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.


Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.


*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*