@bluebonetbabies

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

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@ClichedOut

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

@Kendragarden

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

@petemandik

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

@HeyoShellz

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

@MJMcKean

I hope this Shakespeare guy is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame.

@Leggalicious

“I’ll sleep when I die” – person who doesn’t really understand sleeping or dying.

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

@thatUPSdude

Devil: I want your soul!

Me: Not for sale!

Devil: Name your price.

Me: Fix all my typos.

Devil: Too much work, keep your soul.