They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I hope this Shakespeare guy is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame.
“I’ll sleep when I die” – person who doesn’t really understand sleeping or dying.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Devil: I want your soul!
Me: Not for sale!
Devil: Name your price.
Me: Fix all my typos.
Devil: Too much work, keep your soul.
I think I took the wrong pill from that Morpheus guy.