I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
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I don’t think that’s correct.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Bartender: What can I get you?