My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
You Might Also Like
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
giddy up Office Depot
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!