My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
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crochet youtube is brutal
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Who chose this font
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
just gave your address to some spiders
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.