@KenJennings

My son just told me he wouldn’t kill baby Hitler b/c of what that would do to the space program. Not 100% sure if he’s a Nazi or just a nerd

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@slotjunkierose

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

@eedrk

doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements
me: yeah of course
doctor: you weigh yourself before and after
me: [15 Sec pause] yeah

@thejamietighe

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

@SardonicTart

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

@mmyattmyatt

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

@DamienFahey

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

@MissBamantha

Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase “calm down.”