6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
You Might Also Like
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Time for evil
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.