Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My son just told me he wouldn’t kill baby Hitler b/c of what that would do to the space program. Not 100% sure if he’s a Nazi or just a nerd
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doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements
me: yeah of course
doctor: you weigh yourself before and after
me: [15 Sec pause] yeah
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase “calm down.”