My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
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POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.