my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
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My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
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Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead