I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
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Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
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