My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
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Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
“Of course you can trust me. Look, I’ll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I’ll catch you.”
*Bing! Twitter notification!*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
My boyfriend: *leaves the room*
The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.
Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?
FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage
Me: that’s rough janet.