@ThatMummyLife

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

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@PrisonCookies

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

@BoydPetrich

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

@liv_thatsme

*calling my sister while leaving the salon in tears*

Sister: What happened? Did they ruin your hair?

Me (between sobs): No, my hair looks great, but my stylist talked to me the ENTIRE TIME

@wilw

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

@runolgarun

Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.

@heatherlou_

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

@BeTheCookie

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

@panmidwest

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

@InternetHippo

doctor: your wife has gone into labour

me: oh no

wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE