My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
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Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
*calling my sister while leaving the salon in tears*
Sister: What happened? Did they ruin your hair?
Me (between sobs): No, my hair looks great, but my stylist talked to me the ENTIRE TIME
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
doctor: your wife has gone into labour
me: oh no
wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE