My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

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My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.


Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.


*calling my sister while leaving the salon in tears*

Sister: What happened? Did they ruin your hair?

Me (between sobs): No, my hair looks great, but my stylist talked to me the ENTIRE TIME


Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.


Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.


Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.


Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.


DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one



doctor: your wife has gone into labour

me: oh no

wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE