My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

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My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..


Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”


Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad


“Of course you can trust me. Look, I’ll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I’ll catch you.”

*Bing! Twitter notification!*



I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.


[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.


Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.


ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager


My boyfriend: *leaves the room*

The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.

Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?

FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage

Me: that’s rough janet.