Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@faizziy

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

@Bownuggets

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

@PaperWash

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

@WittySassBasket

*walks in on family gathering*

I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD

@Tups13

“Of course you can trust me. Look, I’ll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I’ll catch you.”

*Bing! Twitter notification!*

Thud.

@ramblinma

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

@jjhartinger

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

@ddsmidt

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

@ohpegah

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

@joshwillhall

My boyfriend: *leaves the room*

The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.

Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?

FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage

Me: that’s rough janet.