Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
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ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Batman v Dracula
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
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Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.